ahhh goodbye cruel world...

Ok so not really goodbye cruel world, but goodbye blog.
I never seem to keep this thing up, and in light of recent events I want to give up the anonimity thing... But at the same time I dont' want to put my name onto THIS blog... so that means...
this one is going bubye.
Those of you who know me in RL I'll send you my new one if I decide to set one up.

yea, well so...

so much for that whole blogging regularly thing.
I threw around the idea of deleting this all together.
I spent about a month in a downward spiral again, and just never got around to this.
I hate posting negativity, but something wondefully positive happened this weekend....

Thursday I was in Hot Springs, and shared a room with Nixon and his wife at our all state music conference. It was an experience :) A fun one :) It unfortunately got cut short by "bad weather" which in Arkansas is code for, get the heck home we might have ice for 15 days, it might be gone by tomorrow... Well it was gone in short order, so I hate that the kids all-state (not to mention MY all-state) experience got cut short.

I came home to two beautiful babies who were excited about watching snow, and even more excited about having mommy home.

Saturday was sad... My bestfriend from High School called, and she and her husband have split up... he was cheating on her, has multiple times. I worry about their beautiful baby girl (about 8 months old now) and what affect this will all have on her. Of course, daddy dearest wasn't really overly involved with either of them (obviously) so I wonder if he will even be missed by her... a truely sad thought to me, given that my husband stays home while I work. I just wish I could be closer to her to help her out.

Sunday I hit rock bottom. Yea, I know I started this post by stating I had a wondefully positive thing happen, and I did... it just took some time. If you know me, and you've read this since the beginning, you know I toyed around with the idea of leaving my husband. I was tired of being constantly hurt by him, by his name calling, and by all the CRAP that has gone with it. We spent several months in counseling, and I've played pretty through all of it. Convinced a lot of the world everything was ok, stood by and watched as my husband made every effort to change, only to refuse to accept it, or to actually change myself. I told him everything I could that I knew would test his new found decency toward me, been basically zero help in getting the kids to church, which resulted many times in us not going. I know he depened on me to be strong, and I decided I wasn't going to do it. Another Sunday came and another day of church missed. The day started out ok... and it just progressively got worse. He's told me for several weeks now he wants a deardearfriend of mine out of my life... and that came up again. I got furious and walked away from the situation. When I finally came home, I decided to come completely clean, no matter the repercussions. We talked... and talked... and talked (until about 4am this morning.. that's right I'm writing this from work, which I got up for at about 15 til 7 do the math and forgive the typos). He asked me what feelings I really had for this deardearfriend, and I told him... I told him everything. I told him that while I loved him, I had fallen in love with this other man, that while myhusband was busy shutting me out of his life and hurting me for three years, I spent the last two of it relying on this other person. That this deardearfriend saw me through things that myhusband never knew was even going on, not because I didn't want to tell him, but he had told me he didn't want to talk to me about things so many times that I just finally quit. That while he was busy hurting me and calling me names, this deardearfriend was always there to listen, to tell me to give myhusband another chance. That I had come to a time in my life where I had absolutely found it impossible to trust and to love anyone except three dear friends who had never let me down, never hurt me, and never truely dissappointed me. (nixon and juju you're the other two, I'm sure you know who the deardearfriend I refer to is) They all made me feel wanted, loved, safe, secure, all the things HE should've been doing for me. I cried my eyes out...
and he asked... if this deardearfriend was the only one that could make me happy, and I told him I didn't know, that in all honesty our relationship had not been truely time tested, but I knew I could not longer continue the way things were, that I wanted to trust again, love again, and I ultimately wanted it to be my husband...
and then it started, he started preaching at me... I told him with your faith issues, the last thing I want you to do is preach at me, I finally broke down and started listening and sometime around 2:30 this morning I set things right, not with my husband, but with GOD. I had wandered far and until I realized I stood to lose everything I was quite happy where I was, attempting to handle things on my own...
So... I awoke to a new world today. A world full of hope... a world where my best friend is the man who waits for me at home, and a world where I don't have to give up any friends because I know with His strength, I can find the words to tell that deardearfriend what he means to me now... that his friendship had pulled me through so much, and I need him in my life, but who and what he needs in his life. My husband went from hating this other man yesterday afternoon to being thankful that he was in my life to help guide me back to where I should be. This deardearfriend never told me to leave, never made a move, and though we discussed the fact that we were attracted to one another, and even talked about the "what ifs" of if I weren't married, or if I were to divorce... we were careful of our actions. He is the first male friend that has both not encouraged me to leave and didn't try to take advantage of a situation... and this morning I realized, I love him very much, but amazingly enough I'm not obsessed with thoughts of him today, and don't feel as though I'm going crazy even though I haven't talked to him since Saturday. Yea, it's day one, but I've got the right "Guy" on my side to see me through all of this.

Happy 2006!

So, it's been forever since I posted. Holidays sometimes get in the way of normal happenings, and I wish I could use it as an excuse. I had total internet access through the whole time, sometimes better access than what I'm used to because I didn't have work messing with my fun...

So, why haven't I posted. Haven't known what to post. My life has been in a bit of an upheaval again, and yet there's just nothing to say.

I figure no one wants to hear my gripes about the troubles at home, the jealousy the DH has about one of my best friends... and all that other jazz, shoot I don't even remember what I've posted up to this point.

Work is going well this semester. I'm putting my hs band through a bit of a back to basics type thing.

I'm so looking forward to February, I'll get to see a couple friends I haven't seen since football season, and a couple longer than that!!! I can't way to see juju again :D (kindda hopin' nixon comes along too) Oh and let's not forget the guys from down south.

Podunkville is calming down, but I am trying so very hard to get on at southern podunkville next year. My mom hasn't been taking the best care of herself, and I just think she would do better if we were around there. I know that sounds wierd, but if one of us could go walk with her each day, or even just ship the kids into her backyard and all of us go play around she'd start getting some more exercise.

I'm going to go review my posts, and see what I said last, so I can do an update post ;) Hopefully... I'll start doing better with this thing (famous last words on every post isn't it)

19 days and no posts....

let me just say OOOOPS!
I've often thought of this on the way to work, or on the way home...
Common knowledge or not I don't post from home often... this is anonymous (with the exception of the few of you who I GAVE the address to) enough that even my husband knows nothing of it... at least I think he knows nothing of it. I sneak it in at lunch, or during my prep, or like now, after school when I have no more responsibilities to the school for the day. (yea, right everyone who's a teacher and or director stop laughing now, it's not THAT funny)
ssssooooo, what's happened in 19 days?
a whole big load of not much.
THE HUSBAND and I have fought about one of my bestest friends several times in the last 19 days. He's insecure because I was stupid enough to be honest about a conversation that was shared between the friend and I in February about feelings that probably shouldn't be there... NEWSFLASH We're adults... and while I must admit I've had feelings for the friend, I am quite married to the husband, and we are working very hard to save our marriage. The husband, on the other hand doesn't seem to get this! Even if I WANTED to do something, the friend wouldn't because I'm married, not to mention what this says about what he thinks about my moral character... I'm married, I just won't do anything. PERIOD. OH but enough about that.
In 19 days the Ukranian Bell Carol has started sounding like well... the Ukranian Bell Carol. They still can't say Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas clearly, but it's there. We're still burning the Chestnuts rather than roasting them... but the night is getting a little more silent each time we work through the clarinet solo piece. FIRSTCLARINET is doing a beautiful job on the solo. The rest of the group has got the feeling for the chords, and all is indeed calm, and it's soon to be bright. Today they read through the pieces the beginners are doing, since the group is so small high school will play with them. EASY CHEESY they did so well....
BUT Oh Lord help the little beginners.
Jingle Bells is ok... I hope I don't offend anyone who's Jewish with our rendition of My Dreydl (or my spelling!!) but it's getting there, BUT We're crashing through the rooftop at this point, and St. Nick well... he's not so jolly.
Thanksgiving was wonderful. I got to spend some much needed time (about 3 hours) with my best friend from high school(from here on called HSBF). We had let ourselves get too far apart, and now we're both at a point in our lives where we really need each other again... We went to Wal-Mart and walked around, I helped her pick out a stocking for her baby girl's first Christmas. It's white and beautiful, just like her daughter. So, after we got tired of walking around we headed back to Southern Podunkville (that's right hehee that's where we were for Thanksgiving) and rode around the town square and laughed about old times, talked about our lives and were the oldest people in the only convience store that was opened around midnight when the need to ummm relieve ourselves called. (I also think we were the only sober ones) I've missed her dearly, and am so glad we've been finding time to contact each other again. (speaking of which SOOO need to email chicky... hmmm maybe I'll call her chicky instead)
My grandma was at Thanksgiving... She's over 80 and driving a lot of people batty. I just keep reminding myself she's over 80, and if I'm doing half as well as she is as far as getting myself around and remembering things I'll be grateful! Her umm boyfriend (hell I don't know what he is, I don't think they ever married they've been together since I was in like fifth grade, so they've been together for ions now!!!) was there too. The kids love him so much. No one else came.
THEBOY is now five. It's a little strange. He's five. Seems like such a big number, and seems like just last Thanksgiving I had to stay home because I was so close to my due date. He's SOOO tall... he's in a 6/7 which just seems HUGE to me. But he's still my sweet baby (yes, despite the temper tantrum he made me throw at church last night, and the wanting to ring his little neck on a daily basis)... and the scariest part is... next year he will be unleashed on some poor unsuspecting teacher. I apologize now to any kindergarten teachers who stumble across this if he ends up in your class. He's cute, he looks sweet, and he's sneaky. Not that he's a bad kid exactly, he likes to push the limits... but he's getting better each day (about not pushing so hard) I think a lot of it has to do with less tension in the house, he's been happier as things have calmed down.
And this weekend...
Up goes the Christmas tree, which scares me to no end.
Last year the husband threw it down as a way to get back at me... instead he broke THEBOY'S heart and put a wall up around mine. I'm just hoping our tree can bring us good memories again and not be a source of pain for me again all this year as it was last year. Everytime I looked at it last year I got just a little angrier about it.
So ... that's my last 19 days in a nutshell....
Hopefully I won't go 19 more before posting again!

Veteran's day

Today I'll take a break from my silliness and half hearted poking fun at my kids...
Today is a day each and everyone of us needs to take the time to say thank you to a veteran.

My great-grandfather served in WWI, my grandfather in WWII, and my father in Vietnam. I owe each of these men a lot of gratitude for so many things. Of course, for their rolls in my upbrining, but somewhat more importantly for the service they each gave their country. They were willing to leave their safe homes and go to a land abroad to defend each and everyone of our freedoms we hold so dear.

Without their fighting it is possible that today I would not get to walk into work each day knowing that our children are being afforded a free education because of these men.

I can stand with my class each morning to pledge our flag and our nation UNDER GOD because these men went overseas to fight to ensure I would be able to.

I can rush them out on Wednesday afternoons so I can go to church, and tell them where I'm going, because I don't have to fear a form of violence because I am a Christian and don't have to worry about someone trying to kill me because of that fact.

Thanks to them I have the opportunity to vote for the leaders of our country, or if I so choose to not vote.

Thanks to them the choice to work instead of staying home with my children is available to me... and likewise if I were to decide to stay home with them, that's ok too.

I have the opporutnity to celebrate each holiday, birthday, any day I choose how I choose.

I have the right to say what I want, when I want, within reason of course.... with out that I wouldn't be able to write this.


Think of all the blessings we have in our lives, so many things that we take for granted that if it weren't for these men and women who lay their lives so willingly on the line we would not have, and then the next time you see a veteran thank them for giving of themselves and of their families to defend our freedoms.

The Ukranian Bell Carol

We're working on this in band.. the kids really seem to enjoy the piece, and it's a nice little exposure to a different type of music for them... Only today the way they played it I feel the words need to be changed:

Oh how the bells, poor Christmas bells, all seem to say, what the heck are you doing?

It was ROUGH to say the least... That's ok though we still have several weeks until they have to play it and well The Christmas Song.. Which right now is more like the Christmas FUNERAL song.. but it'll be fine. They'll get it, they always do.

THE SKY IS FALLING

That's right CHICKEN LITTLE
We took the boy and girl to go see Chicken Little with their big cousin. They loved it. We took them on opening weekend so they'd get to experience stadium seating... I got to experience a nice view of the back of the girl's head... Why?
well a couple weeks back we went and watched Wallace and Grommit and The Curse of the Were-Rabbit and she got folded up in the chair... My bright self didn't think to bring something to help the chair stay open.... so she sat on my lap (though I'm not really complaing she fed me pop corn after I gave her mine because she dropped hers, and "shared" my coke with me... never mind she had her own)

The movie was really cute! I'm tempted to go back without the kids so I can watch it for real this time hehe.

The REAL joy of being a teacher...

On Wednesdays I have the classes from hell to put it lightly.
I have a sixth grade and third grade class that are very difficult to manage.
I also have a first grade class that has some uniqueness to it...
So I drug myself out of bed not really wanting to go at all..
I get to work and do my first period class (UGH exploring music)
Into second period we go... 'lo and behold we can't play because today is retake and club and organization picture day.. That's ok we don't have a CONCERT or anything coming up.
Down in the gym until lunch....
inhale lunch
prep... Ok yea right 40 minutes of ... can I really get any of this crap done before I get more kids?
My first elementary class 15 minutes late!!! This means a whopping 25 minute class... by this point I'm getting frustrated. They come in and get seated nice and quietly JUST Like I ask them to, and in walks this little girl and she says "Can I give you something?" and hands me a picture "My teacher said I could bring this because I drew it just for you"
Who cares about the rest of my day!!! This child MADE my day. She had drawn a girl standing under stars and a moon... It's hanging on my wall next to my desk. She probably has no idea exactly how much she made my day!!!

(Oh and just for the record my classes from hell must've all been half asleep because they were really good...)